THE FOLLOWING LIMERICKS ARE ORIGINALS
WRITTEN BY ROBERT W. BIRCH©
UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
When I was a boy of just ten,
I picked up some paper and pen,
And I drew you know what,
'Twas a girl with no twat,
'Cause I still hadn't seen one back then.
There was a young butcher named Seaver,
Whose gal craved a clean shaven beaver.
He would soap up her crotch,
With a mirror she'd watch,
As he shaved her blond pube with his cleaver.
A cannibal's not very tall,
But he'll eat a man's hair, bones and all.
As the chief ate his stew,
Said, "Don't know about you,
But for me... I'm just having a ball."
At this point it is appropriate to quote a limerick attributed to Tutta Giola.
Two cannibals sat down to dine
When one to the other did whine,
Is tasteless and blah."
The other said, "Try some of mine."
That's a hard act to follow, but back to limericks by Birch.
Once a young and devout holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.
Of the alphabet I've learned a lot,
From a musical lady who's hot.
She'll hum like a bee
And hit a high C
When my organ locates her G-Spot.
There once was a young singing whore,
Who would screw twenty men, but no more.
She would sing through each fuck,
And if you were in luck,
You'd get in on this musical score.
There was an old codger named Hector,
Who paid a young gal to inspect 'er.
With a cunt that was grand
She could handle one hand,
But two were too much and it wrecked 'er.
A woman said, "Give me a hoist,
I want to grab hold of that joist."
But the guy as he boost 'er
Inadvertently goosed 'er
In that place where a woman gets moist.
In the fascination with genitals, limerists come up with some of the strangest notions. A limericks lover will surely enjoy the flavor of the following. We will begin first with a limerick by Isaac Asimov which appeared in his 1978 book titled Limericks Too Gross.
A gourmet's delight is Priscilla
For her breath's a distinct sarsaparilla.
One breast tastes like thyme
The other is lime
And her vaginal flavor's vanilla.
Birch added some of his own flavors to another young woman.
There once was a woman named Bunny,
Who envied Priscilla's sweet cunny.
So she sprinkled her tits
With cinnamon bits
And flavored her pussy with honey.
Revenge is sweet, and so it is when Birch read the following limerick by an anonymous author, he felt that the young woman was so wronged that she deserved an opportunity to retaliate. This limerick was among the collection in The Limerick and is dated back to 1941.
There once was a jolly old bloke,
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
He took down her pants,
Fucked her into a trance,
And then shit in her shoe for a joke.
Birch figured out a way for this unfortunate and abused woman to get even.
'Twas a dirty old man, this old coot,
To fuck without giving a hoot.
The girl was dismayed
And contempt she displayed
When she squatted and pissed in his boot.
It is October at the time of this writing, and a few Halloween limericks seem appropriate.
A werewolf's young wife would harangue
'Bout hubby's fur covered red whang.
Cunnilingus is out
Because of his snout -
French kissing's banned 'cause of his fang.
A buxom young woman named Mary
Made love with a man who was hairy.
When the full moon came up,
She gave birth to a pup,
But to nurse him was just too darn scary.
Donald Dimock, who writes under the pen name The "late" Dr. Fey, wrote the following for his book Limericks Naughty and Gay:
A banker in Fairfield called Sonny
Jacked off in the vault. Kind of funny!
When caught and asked why
He said in reply,
"I wanted to come into money."
At least Sonny was kind enough to leave a deposit! The "late" Dr. Fey's limerick prompted Birch to consider another banking activity.
In a bank in the town of La Grange,
A straight guy did something quite strange,
He groped an old feller,
Then turned to the teller,
Proclaiming, "I'm here just for change."
Here's an ode to a bawdy gal from the Old West:
In a dance hall in old Carson City,
‘Twas a gal who was known as Miss Kitty.
Tattooed on her ass
Were some gunman with class,
And "Billy the Kid" on a titty.
On her body was written her beaus
Just names and without any prose,
And among all those names
You will find "Jesse James,"
If you pull down her panties and hose.
There is always a problem with a limerick in which the author attempts to rhyme three words when one of them is pronounced differently in certain parts of our country. Take for example the word creek. Does it rhyme with leak or with stick?
Perhaps the safest thing to do is to write two limericks, one using the word with one pronunciation, the other with the other pronunciation. For example:
A fellow named Pike from Lone Creek,
Was a voyeur, a pervert, and sneak.
Drilled a hole in a wall
Of a lady's shower stall
And engaged in what's known as Pike's peak.
A fellow named Pike from Lone Creek,
Would entertain girls with his trick.
He'd make his balls twirl
And they'd bounce and then twirl,
But the star of the show was Pike's prick.
Current update 03/19/2004
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An Adult Limericks Story
Saving Fragmented Limericks
Limericks about Body Parts
Limericks by Cap'n Bean
A Brief Conversation with Mrs. Bean
A Limericks Space Story by C. P. Mariner
The Collection of Clean Limericks
The Bawdy Limericks Page, including Christmas fun between Birch and Bean
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