When two men of like minds begin exchanging limericks, there is a pretty good chance they will be dirty. Cap'n Bean is a gifted and prolific writer whose gems appear regularly in The PENTATETTE, the notorious monthly newsletter of the infamous "Limericks Special Interest Group." A number of his limericks have also been published in Penthouse, a magazine with a somewhat larger distibution and more interesting graphics than the interest group's newsletter.
Your host at this site, Bob Birch, has found that Cap'n Bean's limericks often trigger playfully erotic images and call out for an equally devilish response. In the spirit of good clean dirty fun, these two limerists have put their pens to paper in a friendly exchange of some of their best (or worst) bawdy five-liners.
This playful limerick by the good Cap'n Bean appeared in the August 1998 issue of The PENTATETTE:
His lover was so very tiny,
And she had such a cute little hiney;
She would wax it each night,
Just to bring him delight,
For he likes it the best when it's shiny!
What an image, but Birch wondered if Bean had painted too rosy a picture of this glossy derriere. Birch casts some doubt on the practice of shining up the buttocks of a pretty young Miss in his limerick that appeared in the very next newsletter.
It seems that she really does suffer,
For the skin on her butt has grown tougher.
It is from the hot wax,
That gets into her cracks,
But also the use of a buffer.
This was the first time that Birch piggybacked on one of Bean's limericks and, on the chance that Bean might be offended, he offered an apology along with his limerick. However, being of like mind, the good Cap'n Bean had his response published in the newsletter the following month.
The Cap'n does not take offense,
Nor does he go off in defense,
If you add to my verse
And keep it perverse,
He gladly and fully consents.
An alliance had been formed, and Birch, not waiting for the next month's issue, e-mailed his response.
I was glad that you were not offended,
For no malice was ever intended.
You know Cap'n Bean,
That I will be obscene,
And perverse just as you've recommended!
On August 25, 1998, Cap'n Bean sent Birch an e-mail containing the following:
While once I was screwing Miss Writer,
Her pussy grew tighter and tighter.
That woman is sick-
She 'most squeezed off my dick,
Then she laughed, for it seemed to delight'er.
The next day, Birch wrote back as follows:
While once I was screwing Miss Fooser,
Her pussy grew looser and looser,
So I'll tell you what,
When I want a tight twat,
I'll find your Miss Writer and goose'er!
It was in the month of October that Cap'n Bean e-mailed the following to me:
The leaves on the ground were all wet,
As I screwed in the park with Nanette;
In autumn's great splendor
She proved to be tender,
And screwed like I'll never forget!
This image of a carnal romp in the wet leaves begged for a response. Birch then responded with:
I thought that you already knew,
If Nanette you just happen to screw,
The wet leaves and damp grass
In the crack of her ass
Might cause her sweet crotch to mildew!
It was during the 1999 Christmas season that Bean and Birch had another lively exchange. It began with a limerick from Bean.
The reason old Santa's so jolly,
He's screwing a woman named Holly,
He's got weed in his pipe,
He eats cookies all night,
And his waistbands's elastic, by golly.
Bean did apologize for use of a near-rhyme, but the playful content overshadows the liberty he took in lines three and four. It was that image of a playful Santa, quite unlike the jolly old fellow we thought of as children, that prompted Birch to reply with a minor adjustment to the reason Santa's merriment and his need for elasticity.
The reason St. Nick is so Jolly:
He's screwing a cute elf named Molly.
He gets high as a kite,
And eats Molly all night,
So his jock strap's elastic, by golly.
This limerick by Birch brought a brief e-mail from Bean with the SUBJECT of "Just a Quickie." This was enough to prompt Birch to e-mail back the following:
For the subject he says, "Just a quickie,"
But the sender is some kind of sickie.
But I read what Bean wrote
In his short e-mail note,
As my wife played around with my dickie.
Bean was not about to let Birch get away with that, and wrote back:
Hey, Bob, you are really a nut;
What you write, some would say is just smut,
But I think it's great style,
If it brings me a smile,
And it pulls out a laugh from my gut.
Birch responded with:
To call me a "nut" is a low one,
Sin not, those wild oats don't you sow one,
If you're on to my vice
You might try to be nice,
For it takes a real nut just to know one.
As Christmas grew near, Birch e-mailed the following Christmas greetings to Cap'n Bean:
Sure I know that I've done lots of teasin'
But I write for a much different reason.
'Tis to wish you good cheer
For the upcoming year,
And in fact for this whole festive season.
Bean wrote back this playful five-liner:
The bright lights of Christmas were twinkling,
While old cousin Edgar was tinkling
'Neath the back of a bush,
As he froze off his tush,
And the owners had nary an inkling!
Upon reading this, Birch, being something of the nut as characterized above, began thinking about the act of tinkling in the snow during freezing weather. It occurred to him that it might not be one's tush that becomes frozen. This prompted Birch to wrote a four-part limerick story, which he was compelled to send back to the cousin of old Edgar.
From your lim-rick I got such a tickle,
So I'll tell you about my old pickle.
As I peed in the snow
I felt winter winds blow
And my dick was froze like an icicle.
Well my wife heard me yell out in awe,
For I looked down and guess what I saw?
'Twas my short little dick,
Just as hard as a brick,
And I cried out, "Come look at this maw!"
On her face I could see her surprise,
Seems she could not believe her own eyes,
For my little old cock
Was froze firm as a rock,
And in fact it looked two times it's size.
So she yelled, "You get into this house,"
As she tore off her skirt and her blouse.
Though the weather was frightful,
We shared something delightful,
On that day that I cold-cocked my spouse!
In the February 1999 issue of The PENATETTE we find Cap'n Bean's delightful report of....
But this only reminded Birch of another artistic young woman...A talented woman named Stipples,
In the art world, created some ripples,
With the paintings she made,
Every time she go laid,
With a brush she attached to her nipples.But there also a talented lass,
Whose paintings were judged as first class,
Although nobody knew
That each time that she'd screw,
She'd paint with a brush in her ass.
Birch recalled one other young woman who made her living by posing nude.There once was a model, quite luscious,
Especially cute when she blushes.
To be painted would please her,
Though the artist would tease her
And tickle her tush with his brushes.
It was on October 4th of 1999 that Cap'n Bean shared a vintage limerick with Birch. In his E-mail Bean stated that he had written the following verse at least two decades ago and, he thought, it might actually be one of the first he had ever written.A pretty young hiker named Daszum,
Could simply not have a good orgasm;
She rubbed on her plum
'Til her thumb became numb,
And she fell to her death in a chasm."
To which Birch responded:A spastic who never could come,
Was rubbing her clit with her thumb.
But she had a strong spasm
When she reached her orgasm,
That rendered her deaf, blind and dumb.
In the February 1999 issue of The PENTATETTE, the Cap'n critiques God's design of male and female sexual anatomy. He writes:This got Birch thinking on this theological issue and prompted him to write:The final design God presented,
For the woman and man he invented,
Showed the thing on the male
Sticking out like a tail,
With the female's receiver indented.In May of 1999, Bean once more stirred the interest of Birch when his delightful limerick appeared in The PENTATETTE. The mind of the Good Cap'n must have been dwelling on... well, you'll see in his following verse.I wonder what made God decide
Girl's pee holes are something to hide.
It's not easy to see
For she must sit to pee,
While the man's thing is hanging outside.Birch pondered the issue and wrote:I'm amazed what technology brings -
How inventors come up with new things;
Such as, who would have guessed,
Or would even suggest,
That a Kotex would one day have wings.Impressed that those pads now have wings?
'Tis just one of those gimmicky things;
For what women most praise
On those heavy-flow days,
Is the fact that their tampons have strings!
Holidays sometimes bring out the worst in us. An E-mail was received from Cap'n Bean as Christmas of 2000 grew near. In it he wrote:While Santa had paused for a cookie,
Seems Blitzen was calling his bookie;
While Comet and Cupid
Had drunk themselves stupid,
And Rudolph was searching for nookie!
Put into the spirit of Christmas by the clever Bean, Birch responded with:While Santa was sipping a beer,
An elf was out humping a deer.
Mrs. Santa got drunk,
And made love to a punk,
'Cause Nick only comes once a year!
© All of the limericks that appear on this and other pages of this site are copyrighted by their author. None of the original limericks presented here can be reproduced in any fashion, in print or electronically, without written consent, except where a limited number are reproduced and credit is given the author.
No elves were injured during the writing of the above verse.
There is a page featuring more limericks by guest limerist Cap'n Bean, a space limericks story by guest writer C. P. Mariner, and a lot of pages by Bob Birch. This site is updated on a regular basis.
More Adult Limericks by Birch
An Adult Limericks Story
Saving Fragmented Limericks
Limericks about Body Parts
Limericks by Cap'n Bean
A Brief Conversation with Mrs. Bean
A Limericks Space Story by C. P. Mariner
The Collection of Clean Limericks
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This page updated 02/17/04